AUGUST 19, 1994 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 5
PSYCHED OUT
If I'm positive, should I date only positive people?
by Keith A. Oliver, Ph.D. Dating has always been a complex ritual, and AIDS has intensified and added new dimensions to the issues. Now the questions have gotten harder for both HIV positive and negative people who are dating or trying to date. Dating as an HIV-negative person was discussed in the July 22 issue. This column will look at the issues for HIVpositive people.
Now that you are HIV positive, dating is even more complex. All the fears of rejection, hurt, loneliness, and desperation can become more intense. Yet, dating can still be fun and rewarding. First, it is important you take responsibility for your sexuality and your sense of self.
While you were still negative, when it came to dating were you were insecure, easily hurt, blaming of others, and did these feelings get in your way? If so, now that you are positive these reactions will certainly hinder your dating experience and success even more. If these emotions and behaviors describe you, it would be best to address these issues before beginning to date. Anyone would have difficulty dating without first overcoming, or at least addressing these issues.
Did you in the past deal well with those emotions, but now find it difficult? Now that you are positive, those feelings may have become more intense, and more difficult to manage. It can be helpful if you work to stop trying to control what is beyond your control, such as other peoples' reactions, interest, likes and dislikes. Since you cannot control these things, identify what you can control. You can learn to control how you respond to others, how to
reduce the chances of rejection, how to confront disappointment and how to take appropriate risk.
Some people who are HIV-positive have decided not to date anyone except other HIV-positive people. This is a valid choice. Others continue to date both HIV positive and HIV-negative people. This is perfectly valid as well. If you date HIV-negative people, a difficult question for many to answer is when to tell the other person about your HIV positive status. This is a personal decision. There are good reasons supporting early or later discussion. Certainly, never lie or mislead your partner about your status, and be prepared to answer the question if the other person asks you directly.
My suggestion is, the earlier the better. When we first meet someone, there is the least amount of emotional investment, and therefore, less psychological risk. As we get to know someone and as we begin to like them more and more, the hurt from rejection would increase. When we tell people early that we are HIV positive, we run the risk of rejection without the person having a chance to get to know us, but we also do this at a time when psychologically we are the least vulnerable.
As HIV-positive individuals, we have to trust ourselves and work at trusting others. If someone tells us they do not want to date us because we are HIV positive, try to accept this. If they say it is for reasons other than our HIV-positive status, try to accept this. Try to appreciate the other person's honesty and boundaries without judging them. Move on.
As HIV-positive people, we must also know our sexual boundaries. What we feel
okay about doing sexually and what we do not feel okay about. It is important to discuss this with your partner so that both of you have an understanding of what you want and expect sexually. You both share responsibility for your sexuality. If you date someone HIV-negative and they eventually become positive, you both will need to deal with a wide range of feelings. Remember, always practice safer sex, whether your partner is positive or not. If your partner is positive, it is important that you do not re-expose each other over and over. Each time you are exposed it increases your health risks.
Be open, be honest, be willing to negotiate, and be flexible to changing sexual boundaries. What one of you may have felt okay about at one time may not be okay at a later date. When you can talk about this, and both take ownership for your own feelings, you can continue to have an exciting and fulfilling sex life. In fact, as a result of HIV the opportunity exists for you and your partner to become more creative and more fun than ever before.
Dr. Oliver is a psychologist in private practice in Columbus.
THE DOORS OF CAMRAN'S CAFE HAVE SWUNG CLOSED FOR THE LAST TIME THIS WEEK.
We are sorry that we could not meet the needs of the Gay Community... We've met many friends in the last 11⁄2 years and hope that the friendships will last a long time.....
We want to offer special thanks to the following people who tried so many things to help us get established. Wendy & Dianne Darla & Lorainne Peg, Jim & Dianna Nancy & Annette
Kevin & Sam Dale
Greg & Dave Bonnie & Paula
of course the Camran's Softball team... The Crystal Club and of course the staff, Barb, Brian, Jeff, Dean & Cher.We're at home for the time being, if you need anything just give us a call.
Nancy & Jim
Mic
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